Packing!

Well, I've been packing on & off all day today!
I'm going to the Gaeltacht tomorrow.
The Gaeltacht is the name given to the Irish speaking areas in Ireland. I'm going to be attending a three week course to improve my Irish for school. I won't be allowed a phone, iPod or any electrical device. No internet access. I can't even read a book in English or watch tv!
Don't get me wrong, the Gaeltacht (we just call the course that) is so freakin' fun! You stay in local peoples' homes with numerous other students, of the same gender, &can't speak English, except for an exception of one English word per sentence. You have class every weekday morning & then ceilís (Irish traditional group dances) every single night. We play sport; have singing competitions where we change the lyrics of hit songs & translate them into Irish. There's theme nights & trips!
However, since last time I went I've become a bit of an Internet addict. Plus, I need the connection with my friends. Then there's all my music... At least my friends that live in Ireland, along with my boyfriend, can mail me letters. Nothing like some pen & ink!
I think I might not hand up my iPod when I arrive. It's risky, but as long as I hand up my phone, I shoud be okay. Plus, IM gave me a creative idea to hide it in my socks! Haha! I think I might do it for the craic, but I'll see how thing go there first. There may be a problem of charging it, though, so I'll see.

Hm... What else? Maybe the fact that I probably won't be blogging for three weeks...? I don't think I'll have a chance tomorrow before I go, so this'll be my last post until July 22nd, unless I post right after this again!

Oh! Wait! I may have Internet once a week on Sundays, as it's my day out with my parents, so maybe I'll post a bit then :)

Anyway, I feel a bit sick now. I don't know if it's because of what's happened the last few days, my boyfriend & how things will go not talking to him really, the whole Gaeltacht thing & having to try & make new friends, or, just the whole lot together. Either way, I plan to make the most of these next three weeks & maybe get a job as soon as I get back!

Well, have a good July! I'll more than likely talk to ye towards the end of the month - I doubt I'll manage many posts in between.
Goodnight! ^_^ <3

Overreacting, But Still....!

Oh, my God! I'm actually really pissed off!!!
My good friend, J, says she got a belly button piercing. R, another good friend, says she was with her. This has been over mail on Facebook. I believe neither of them.
I really hope they're joking.
I'll fecking kill them if they're joking!
I really hate belly button piercings. They look lovely - sure, I'd have one myself if that was just it - but they can be so dangerous sometimes.
If someone hits you in the stomach, you're going to be in so much pain. There have been a few cases where belly button piercings have caused life threatening damage to the body of wearers during car accidents, from being hit by someone or getting caught in something. It's too freakin' dangerous to have no matter how "small" the chance may be of you getting hurt.
This is a good example of the small but scary risks. I've read others.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/wales/south_east/7020936.stm

Then the even more common stuff would be the infections, though I do know not everyone gets them...

Risks

Hepatitis and HIV are the more serious, but rare, risks involved with your bellybutton piercing. More common risks include infection, thick scarring known as keloids, nerve damage and an allergic reaction to the jewelry. Bacterial endocarditis, an infection of the surface of the heart, is a risk if you have a moderate to high-risk cardiac condition, according to American Family Physician. Your body could also reject the piercing.

Side Effects

Bleeding, localized swelling, tenderness and bruising are normal side effects during the initial healing process, according to the Association of Professional Piercers. While your piercing heals, you may experience some discoloration, itching or a secretion of a white-yellow color. See your doctor if you have a foul-smelling, yellow secretion coming from your piercing or you develop a fever.

Read more: http://www.livestrong.com/article/127699-bellybutton-piercing/#ixzz1ywRHy5vz

On top of all this, I'm 90% sure they're fucking with me.
They better be.
But I'm probably going to be so pissed off if they are. I don't find it funny at all.
If she isn't I don't know what I'll say. She has never, ever, mentioned wanting one before nor doe she seem like the type of girl to have one. Like, we live in Ireland, for Christs sake! When is she even going to be even showing it off, if we don't even have the weather to wear bellytops and the like???
She doesn't even wear that sort of clothes. This is way out of her character. I don't really believe it, but why joke about it? They could obviously tell I was pissed off. I've never been that well at hiding that I'm angry. Ugh! I don't know what I'm going to say Thursday!!!!

Longest "Goodbye" Ever! XD

Saying "Goodbye" to IM on Skype.

Gosh! I get so seriously distracted!

I think it took like 10 minutes just for me to say "Goodbye" & hang up!

We always end up talking more when we intend to go!

I think it's funny XD

I was all like, "Miss you! Love you! Now your turn!" & I think the conversation picked up from there!

Haha!

This post may make no sense to you,my dear reader, at all.

I apologise.

However, I enjoyed talking to IM, even though I did majority of the talking, but we plan to talk soon before Saturday again & she was busy today too, so I didn't mind really!

Anyway!  I better go get busy myself! There's ironing to be done - the joy! So, I'll possibly post later before I sleep.

Bye!  :)

I'm Sorry

I'm Sorry.

I really, truly, am.

I'm sorry that I can't be beside you; that I can't hold you when you need to be held.

I'm sorry that I can't understand everything; that I can't see what you're going through like you do.

I want to. I really do.

And, then, I'll know what to say.

I won't fuck up - well, as much - and make it worse.

I won't struggle for words, wondering,

"What do I say now? How can I help?"

I'm sorry this all happened to you.

With all my heart, I wish it was me, instead, who had to suffer & not you.

I'm sorry there is still times you still have to battle with your sword & shield, protecting yourself, standing alone.

I'm sorry I can't fight by your side &, with one slash of my sword, rid you of the enemy for good.

I wish, with my river of tears that I've cried for you, I could wash every bad memory away.

But I can't & I'm sorry for that too.

 But, most of all, I'm sorry that I'm not always the friend I should be.

I can't be right there, however the amount I wish that I was.

I'm sorry that I don't know what to say.

Or, rather I do, but I just don't know how to say it.

Or I feel that I'll ask it too often.

Or, maybe, I'll ask it at the wrong time and never at the right time.

They're always on the tip of my thing, those words,

"How are you feeling?"

But I always choose

"How are you?"

instead, though the phrase is too loose in it's meaning.

It's not the same.

I'm sorry for that too.

I'm sorry I over-think things; I worry way too much; that I can be a paranoid freak - it doesn't help one bit at all.

I read too much into every little detail, which causes more problems than good.

That, I'm greatly sorry for.

But, what I'm not sorry about is meeting you.

I'm not sorry one bit about that.

You are the most gorgeous, most beautiful person I have ever - will ever - know, inside and out.

I'm not sorry for dragging my family to a foreign country, unknown to us all, just to see you.

It was one of the best things I ever did.
I'm not sorry that I'l always be here for you.
I may not be as close as I want to be, but I'm here all the same.
I'm not sorry that I'm always ready to listen, even if I can't ask the questions I need to.
I'll always be ready to learn and try and understand better, &, so, I'll know better for next time around.

I'm not sorry for the amount of tears I let fall for you.

It reminds me of who matters most.

I'm not sorry for the amount that I love you.

And I will always love you.

You'll always be my friend.

The one that matters most.

And I'll never - ever -be sorry for that.

<3

Talkin' & Walkin'

Today was tiring, but I loved it so much! After I did whatever serving and cleaning with Mam, we ate lunch and then prepared some fruit for the jam. Did I tell you she sells jam in the local shops? It was tiring, but, after, I set out for a walk with my friend, D! We met half way between our houses from where we just walked aimlessly for two hours throughout the back roads of where we lived. It was great!
I'm not big into walking, but if I've someone to talk to it's perfectly fine. We didn't even feel the time pass. It was great just to talk about everything and anything with her. She even told me the next part of her story she's written (she's really talented - I'm not being biased here) & I told here whatever ideas I have for mine, which, yet again, I'm having trouble just putting onto paper or even typing it up!
Anyway, it was a day well spent! It was great laughing, giggling and just being plain stupid at times for the craic (Irish word for fun - pronounced "crack", but I promise it has nothing to do with drugs! Haha!). I even came home with two huge blisters on the heels of my feet &, as sore as they are, feck 'em!!! It was worth it!
I love D! We may go for another walk on Friday, plus J was saying the four of us (D, R, J and I) should try and meet up for lunch in town some day next week before I go to the Gaeltacht.This will be great considering J & R live on the other side of town to me and D, about 40 - 50 minutes away. So, without public transport like they have in the big towns in cities, it's hard for us to see one another when we're on school holidays.
So, this will be something to look forward to, before I head off for three weeks, without a mobile or Internet access (well, except for Sundays, but I'll explain that better another day) in the Gaeltacht!

I'm starting to wonder how I'll survive without it all now - I've become a bit of an Internet-addict in the last year & I can't even use my iPod or read English books! It'll be an adventure, I'm sure...!

Laying in Bed Thinking (Giggling XD)

That's all I'm doing. What am I thinking about? Well...

My best friend's mam, from Sweden, is staying in my house tomorrow with her partner. I'm excited! I can't wait to see her & also meet her partner for the first time. My friend says he's really nice, but, as my mam said, "We'll be the judges of that!" Haha! Mam and I have been trying to say his name properly. IM (my friend) had told us how to pronounce his name, but we sound like two complete Irish eejits when we try to say it! XD So, I don't think we're even going to try now. We'll just pronounce it like the English would.
I want to hug IM's mam when she comes, but, as excited as I'll be, I'm afraid I'll cry. I always freakin' cry when I don't want to the most. I don't know why I'd cry though. Like, it's not like IM herself being here and leaving again. That was two weeks ago. Totally different. I'm over thinking it.

Another thing I'm thinking about is the film The Wedding Date. I freakin' love it! I just watched it on tv before I started typing. I don't know the guy actors name, but - fuck - he's hot!!!
I just Googled him... Dermot Mulroney... Such an Irish name... Holy shite! He's 48! He looks freakin' good! What else do we have here? Oh! Well, he is of Irish descent, though he's from Virgina. His ancestors were from one of the same places my family originated too. Pretty cool!
Gosh! I'm such a stalker! Haha!
I have a boyfriend! Must resist hot older men. Must. Resist.
Well, I guess it's okay to look at the menu, as long as I don't taste anything!

My poor boyfriend! Haha! God... If only he could see what goes through my head! XD I'm glad he can't - some stuff may scare him! Haha!

Hopefully, I'll dream of my version of The Wedding Date with K, my boyfriend, in the form of my sexy hooker! Oh, I'm making myself giggle...!

Today...!

Today, I got up at 8am and, as usual, I served breakfast to the Bed & Breakfast guests. Afterwards, I talked to some elderly guests from New Zealand.
They were lovely! Sometimes, it's sad to say goodbye to some people. I'll probably never see most of them ever again. Only a small number actually come back repeatedly.
I then proceeded to clean the an suite bedrooms upstairs with the help of the young French woman works in our B&B a few days a week. She's really nice and humorous! Her English isn't the best, but it doesn't hold her back - she could basically be a long lost family member! However, I had to go around the place after her to make suree she hadn't forgotten anything... Which she had. I hate having to tell her she did this, that and the other wrong. I feel like such a nag. She won't learn if I don't, though.
Then, after lunch, Mam made us cut up plums for the jaam she's making tomorrow (she sells some in the local shops). Three freakin' boxes! It took 2hrs 30mins to 3hrs - no exageration. I now hate plums. The jam better feckin' turn out well tomorrow!

I had two proud moments today.

The first moment was when my best friend IMed me over Skype while I was cutting plums. She fucking kicked ass in her National Tests!!! All As! I felt she could do it from the amount of work she said she was putting into it all, but it's even better that she did get the marks thaat she deserved! 300 out of 320 points... It makes me smile. I'm so bloody proud of her, you'd swear she was my own child! Haha!

The second moment was when I was just having a chat with my little sister. And, Oh my God, she's growing up! No more is she stealing her twin brothers tractors and cars for herself (she was a Tom boy - still is a bit). No. Today I was trying to get it out of her did she like a lad at school. She didn't, but she caught on to all my dirty double meanings. When I was 12, I got hardly any of the stuff she gets. I think I'm a bad influence. Haha! So, I tried to catch her out.

Me:"Okay. You like none of the lads at school... So, how about actors?"

Sister: *Turns bright red* Gale from The Hunger Games. Liam Hemsworth. He's good looking.

We now plan to marry a Hemsworth brother each. Liam for her. Chris for me!

I love to see that I can joke with this sort of stuff with her now!

The day was alright after that, not too much jobs or whatever. I got time to breath! Oh, and to drop a few jokes about Liam on my little sister. She's currently not related to me! Lmao! XD

Anyway, t'is late and I've to get up at 7am to serve breakfast tomorrow. Dad is away at work, so can't help mam in the morning.

Nighty night! :) <3



Smile! :)

What you may not know, from the direction of a lot of my posts, is that I can be quite a smiley person!

I feel that everyone should smile at least once a day & I don't mean that you should plaster a big fake grin across your face for five minutes.

No. I hate fake smiles.

I hate when I've to do it when I serve breakfast to the guests!

Like this morning, I was pissed off at mam for telling me how to do stuff which I already knew how to do perfectly and what I needed to do next, which I knew!

So I wasn't happy or smiley or whatever. I more than likely looked like I wanted to kick the shit into someone (possibly because I did! Haha!), but when I walked into the dinning room with tea and coffee I had to smile. It'd be really crap if I gave someone their tea and they looked up to say thank you, only to get a murderous stare in return. Yeah... Not a good way to run a business!

But I still don't like fake smiling. I can always feel the corners of my mouth trying to obey the force of gravity, as I try to fight it.

Gravity always wins the battle. I stop fighting as soon as I close the dinning room door.

I love when I talk to my friends and we have a bit of a laugh, and, then, they start to complain that their cheeks hurt from all the smiling and laughing.

I always say it's because they need to exercise their cheek muscles more!

The two of my closest friends it happens the most too, say I'm the only one that makes them smile enough to make their cheeks hurt.

It makes me happy to know this. I absolutely love making people smile or happy.

It makes me happy!

I love saying hello to random people and plastering a grin on their faces because of the sheer oddity of it all!

Or when I say "Hello! How are you?" to shopkeepers or shop attendants! There's always the odd dour ole feck that just says "hi." in response and doesn't even look at you, but a majority of them smile back and chat with you while you pay! Then as you walk away, you hear them give a chirpy "hello!" to the next customer! It makes me seriously happy!

Like, two weeks ago, I went to Galway with my three closest friends (that I go to school with). We went shopping and saw a film. We decided to get ice-cream in a cornershop on the way back to the bus station. The shop attendant was only a couple years older than ourselves, I'm guessing maybe late-teens to early twenties. I was the last of my friends to pay, so I justed did my usual "Hello! How are you?" & she literally looked up from the till, shocked.

"I'm fine, thank you very much for asking! You?"

She said it was nice to be asked. I figured not many did. They just walked in, payed, walked out.

I loved they way I sort of made her day, in a small way. I'll always remember her reaction and what she said. It fuels me to do it more often & just smile!

So make someone smile today and just say "Hello! How are you?" Doesn't matter who they are or if you even know them. You more than likely may never see them again, or, possibly, you may get a new friend out of it. I do it for the sheer happiness of seeing the smile on their face. :)

An Epic Adventure!

My epic adventure began at 7.30am this morning when my alarm went off. Soon after I switched off said alarm, I quickly fell back to sleep. Very exciting! Anyway because of this I ended up with only 40mins to have a shower, eat and whatever, before I was to get the bus into the nearest city Galway. Almost missed it, but got on all the same!

On the bus with one of my closest friends, D, I read and edited her story. It's a good plot! She's really creative! I wish I could tell ya more, but, as editor, I'm sworn to secrecy! Hopefully ye can all read it yourselves some day :)

We then scoured the Eyre Square Shopping Centre and all of Shop Street for converse (got my first high-tops!), bras & DVDs... No shop was went unnoticed by our judging stares! Then, we ate in McDonald's before heading down to see Snow White and the Huntsman. It was a brilliant film! I highly recommend it.

However, because the movie started later than scheduled, we had to run for our bus - literally! I then had to ask the bus driver to wait while me and my friend went to the bathroom (DO NOT GET A LARGE DRINK, FINISH IT DURING THE FINISH IT IN THE FIRST HOUR OF A TWO HOUR FILM AND THEN SPRINT FOR YOUR BUS!!!). Luckily we knew him (he lets ya get onto the bus as a "child" even though you could be 18/19!), so it was all good!

D started writing something on her story, so I finished typing up something small I'd been working on myself on my iPod. T'was a nice relaxing journey home. Well, apart from the fact my seat was broken, as it just kept reclining, no matter what I did. -_- I was squashing the poor American fella in the seat behind me and there was no empty seats... He was pretty cool about it though, thank God!

Well, that was my epic adventure!
I'm off to bed! Goodnight! <3

Laying in bed...

Just finished watching The Avengers! I didn't really get to watch it all with my little sister like I planned. I had to do some ironing for Mam, so I gave my laptop to my sister to watch the streamed film, while ironed. However, it stopped playing after 2 mins 29 secs -_- So I found a different video stream  & let that load up a bit & I went back to my ironing. Then I burnt my freakin' elbow!!! -_-" Only I could manage that. Seriously.
Anyway, after all that, me & my sister watched the beginning together before she had to go to bed & I watched the rest. I'm going to give her my laptop to watch the rest tomorrow or whenever. :)

Random thought... I wonder is my friend really A-okay... I really hope she tells me whats wrong next time, instead of just blogging it... She says she's a problem communicating her problems, which I can understand, but something bugs me about it all... I don't know... I hope this ain't the beginning of a series of unfortunate events & knowing my luck, it may be... Hopefully, I can see her again this year & we can talk more in person rather than over Skype. At least we talked this morning too. I had never felt so horrible in my life until last night. I could actually understand why people have suicidal thoughts, though I could never do it to my family and friends, of course, but I had very bad thoughts, thinking she may not want me any more... Blah... I really love her... I hope I never have to feel that way again. I don't think I could survive without our friendship.
I'm just going to have to try to talk to her more. She's going to have to learn to reply to all my messages though!

Anyway, I better sleep now! I have to get up to serve breakfast in 6hrs! :O
Oh & my brother  is playing in the finals tomorrow, like I mentioned. My dad & sister are going to go up and watch & I'll stay home and help mam.

Goodnight! <3

We're good! We'll be fine!

We talked over Skype for like 40mins... We're fine! We're A-okay! I don't remember every single word, but she will tell me what's wrong next time, even if she has to forward a link to her newest post! I'm happy. I feel a little strange, I don't know how to explain it, but I feel as if I didn't stay up half the night crying, that nothing has been wrong... It's strange, but good. I'm happy. We're happy. I love my best friend! <3

Feeling... Blank....

I don't know what I feel... I don't know if I'm angry or just plain upset... Furious or devistated... I mailed her over Facebook that we really need to talk, that I've never been so serious in my life! I haven't told her that I've read her blog yet. I'll only tell her that when I'm sure she will reply right away. I don't think I can stand much more of a delay of a few minutes. The agony of just waiting for her to get online is horrible... Plus I don't want to take the day with her from her dad. He may see her more than I do, but it'd be unfair, wouldn't it? But the day was meant to be spent with me &, it seems, she may have asked to be picked up earlier now, instead of talking out our problems... I just don't know... This blogging thing does help though - I now understand that - but she still has to talk to me, right? She can't just leave me in the dark! I have never left her side (figuritively) when she told me she had anorexia, she cut herself or even when she told me, on Friday, that she had tried to commit suicide! Why would I suddenly be jealous & cruel towards her? Maybe it's the anorexia, or "Ana", talking, but it seriously hurts all the same. I have had many problems as well, since she's left, but I try to tell her, some I haven't managed to form into words for her yet, so am I just as bad? No... I don't think so... It's out relationship that's got the brunt of whatever is wrong with her now - I have. I stayed up until 4am last night after posting my three blogs, crying... I couldn't stop... Someone just help me... Please!!! <3

I Feel Like Shit... I Want To Curl Up & Die

I  shouldn't have read it but I did. She posted again. I'm a bitch. I get jealous easily and it showed today when she met her other friends. But I tried to cover it up. I feel like total and utter shit. She said I was abitch to her and made snide comments, but I didn't... I don't even remember talking about her food... We were in a restaurant, I possibly did! We had a joke about "avacodo fish" as she loves sushi... I mentioned salad once because she ate mine, but not in a mean way!!!!

WHY CAN'T SHE FREAKIN' TELL ME?!

I'm crying again. I fucking hate my life. I have no one. My own best friend was happy to get away from me. I want to die. I've never felt so low and horrible. I don't know what I'll say to her tomorrow if I even will say anything... I can't say anything without sounding like a bitch, though I haven't even been trying to all weekend... I was trying to be how we used to be - jokey and shit... I don't know... I want to get hit by a car... This isn't right...

Welcome, I guess...

This is my amazing first blog...! Spectacular, eh? I don't know what exactly what to write... Possibly an explanation as to why I'm actually going to try and blog, maybe? Here it goes...


Well, my best friend blogs daily. She possibly posts two or three blogs a day. It helps her get on in life, helps her survive the day and inspire others. I say inspire others as she is recovering for anorexia. She tells them how her days go; how she manages; how she gains strength.
She now lives in a separate country to me as the faculties here weren't helping her as she was having treatment. So this weekend was the second time I  met her face-to-face in two years. I was obviously over joyed and I had so much to tell her ( there's only so  much you can say over Skype), but I must have said something wrong - I upset her. However, she never told me - she blogged about it. She vented. I found out only by whim.
I walked home after her dad picked her up today... I was upset, crying. I was meant to have another day with her, but her dad came to pick her up - he needed to spend time with her too, before she left on Wednesday. I felt selfish, but I needed her. She's the only person I can ever tell everything to. The only person I can trust 100%. I don't feel that with any of my other friends. I just can't be me.
So, I grabbed my laptop as soon as I could & searched for her blog. I had never read it before, however, she had mentioned it throughout the years. I don't know why I hadn't. She had told me I could, but I just hadn't. She knew I hadn't. But, right at that moment, I wanted to be closer to her. I couldn't - can't - stand the thought of possibly not seeing her until next year, so I searched for the closest thing I could get to - her blog! She had showed me a Vlog (video-blog) yesterday or Friday, so I planned to watch it once more.
However, I got closer to her than I thought I would. The first blog had been from this morning about how she felt emotionless and like a bitch when she told me she was leaving today & I had started crying, but she didn't. I totally disagreed with this blog. I'm a blubbering baby - she needn't to feel that bad. She has never been a bitch to me. I was going to comment on the blog, but didn't. I don't know why. I just kept reading. I now wish I hadn't.
I've been proud of her progress & how well she's recovered  - she's near her goal weight, though struggling with the last few kilograms. However, the way I went about showing I was proud, obviously didn't show. I don't recall mentioning food & how she ate very often, but it obviously struck a cord with her. She said it hurt in one of her blogs. She felt that I must have been jealous of her figure or weight or something and I was trying to hurt her... I cried when I read it & I'm crying now just thinking about it. I never ever went out of my way to hurt her... If she just told me, I wouldn't have mentioned food at all! I wouldn't have said how pretty her figure is! We are completely different body shapes - She's tall and slim with slight build, while I'm short-ish with slightly broad shoulders, but I'm not fat nor super skinny. I'm slim too. I'm happy with the way I am & I've said it to her before - all I need to do is tighten up my muscles, not lose weight...  So, how could she see I that I was jealous? I can't understand! Or why she wouldn't just tell me... I understand she will be obviously insecure about certain things, but I need to be told what and when, not just her blog readers.


It really hurts and I can't really stop crying since. I can't stand the way I've hurt her, the fact that my best friend couldn't even tell me how she felt, hurts even more. So I plan to tell her how I feel tomorrow, or at least sometime soon. I need to control myself first, so, ironically, I turn to blogging to help me cope. It helps her, so it can help me. That is why I have started this blog. It does help - I'm not really crying as much - but it doesn't solve the problem. There has to be proper communication for this to be sorted. So I will try to Skype her or at least message her first. I don't know if I'll even tell her about my own blog either... I'll think about it, along with everything else.


If you've actually read all this - well done! I'm virtually patting you on the back! Most people would give up halfway... Thanks for not doing so... <3
Comment if you have any advice or if you were even just courageous enough  to read all this!


<3