Feeling... Blank....

I don't know what I feel... I don't know if I'm angry or just plain upset... Furious or devistated... I mailed her over Facebook that we really need to talk, that I've never been so serious in my life! I haven't told her that I've read her blog yet. I'll only tell her that when I'm sure she will reply right away. I don't think I can stand much more of a delay of a few minutes. The agony of just waiting for her to get online is horrible... Plus I don't want to take the day with her from her dad. He may see her more than I do, but it'd be unfair, wouldn't it? But the day was meant to be spent with me &, it seems, she may have asked to be picked up earlier now, instead of talking out our problems... I just don't know... This blogging thing does help though - I now understand that - but she still has to talk to me, right? She can't just leave me in the dark! I have never left her side (figuritively) when she told me she had anorexia, she cut herself or even when she told me, on Friday, that she had tried to commit suicide! Why would I suddenly be jealous & cruel towards her? Maybe it's the anorexia, or "Ana", talking, but it seriously hurts all the same. I have had many problems as well, since she's left, but I try to tell her, some I haven't managed to form into words for her yet, so am I just as bad? No... I don't think so... It's out relationship that's got the brunt of whatever is wrong with her now - I have. I stayed up until 4am last night after posting my three blogs, crying... I couldn't stop... Someone just help me... Please!!! <3

I Feel Like Shit... I Want To Curl Up & Die

I  shouldn't have read it but I did. She posted again. I'm a bitch. I get jealous easily and it showed today when she met her other friends. But I tried to cover it up. I feel like total and utter shit. She said I was abitch to her and made snide comments, but I didn't... I don't even remember talking about her food... We were in a restaurant, I possibly did! We had a joke about "avacodo fish" as she loves sushi... I mentioned salad once because she ate mine, but not in a mean way!!!!

WHY CAN'T SHE FREAKIN' TELL ME?!

I'm crying again. I fucking hate my life. I have no one. My own best friend was happy to get away from me. I want to die. I've never felt so low and horrible. I don't know what I'll say to her tomorrow if I even will say anything... I can't say anything without sounding like a bitch, though I haven't even been trying to all weekend... I was trying to be how we used to be - jokey and shit... I don't know... I want to get hit by a car... This isn't right...

Welcome, I guess...

This is my amazing first blog...! Spectacular, eh? I don't know what exactly what to write... Possibly an explanation as to why I'm actually going to try and blog, maybe? Here it goes...


Well, my best friend blogs daily. She possibly posts two or three blogs a day. It helps her get on in life, helps her survive the day and inspire others. I say inspire others as she is recovering for anorexia. She tells them how her days go; how she manages; how she gains strength.
She now lives in a separate country to me as the faculties here weren't helping her as she was having treatment. So this weekend was the second time I  met her face-to-face in two years. I was obviously over joyed and I had so much to tell her ( there's only so  much you can say over Skype), but I must have said something wrong - I upset her. However, she never told me - she blogged about it. She vented. I found out only by whim.
I walked home after her dad picked her up today... I was upset, crying. I was meant to have another day with her, but her dad came to pick her up - he needed to spend time with her too, before she left on Wednesday. I felt selfish, but I needed her. She's the only person I can ever tell everything to. The only person I can trust 100%. I don't feel that with any of my other friends. I just can't be me.
So, I grabbed my laptop as soon as I could & searched for her blog. I had never read it before, however, she had mentioned it throughout the years. I don't know why I hadn't. She had told me I could, but I just hadn't. She knew I hadn't. But, right at that moment, I wanted to be closer to her. I couldn't - can't - stand the thought of possibly not seeing her until next year, so I searched for the closest thing I could get to - her blog! She had showed me a Vlog (video-blog) yesterday or Friday, so I planned to watch it once more.
However, I got closer to her than I thought I would. The first blog had been from this morning about how she felt emotionless and like a bitch when she told me she was leaving today & I had started crying, but she didn't. I totally disagreed with this blog. I'm a blubbering baby - she needn't to feel that bad. She has never been a bitch to me. I was going to comment on the blog, but didn't. I don't know why. I just kept reading. I now wish I hadn't.
I've been proud of her progress & how well she's recovered  - she's near her goal weight, though struggling with the last few kilograms. However, the way I went about showing I was proud, obviously didn't show. I don't recall mentioning food & how she ate very often, but it obviously struck a cord with her. She said it hurt in one of her blogs. She felt that I must have been jealous of her figure or weight or something and I was trying to hurt her... I cried when I read it & I'm crying now just thinking about it. I never ever went out of my way to hurt her... If she just told me, I wouldn't have mentioned food at all! I wouldn't have said how pretty her figure is! We are completely different body shapes - She's tall and slim with slight build, while I'm short-ish with slightly broad shoulders, but I'm not fat nor super skinny. I'm slim too. I'm happy with the way I am & I've said it to her before - all I need to do is tighten up my muscles, not lose weight...  So, how could she see I that I was jealous? I can't understand! Or why she wouldn't just tell me... I understand she will be obviously insecure about certain things, but I need to be told what and when, not just her blog readers.


It really hurts and I can't really stop crying since. I can't stand the way I've hurt her, the fact that my best friend couldn't even tell me how she felt, hurts even more. So I plan to tell her how I feel tomorrow, or at least sometime soon. I need to control myself first, so, ironically, I turn to blogging to help me cope. It helps her, so it can help me. That is why I have started this blog. It does help - I'm not really crying as much - but it doesn't solve the problem. There has to be proper communication for this to be sorted. So I will try to Skype her or at least message her first. I don't know if I'll even tell her about my own blog either... I'll think about it, along with everything else.


If you've actually read all this - well done! I'm virtually patting you on the back! Most people would give up halfway... Thanks for not doing so... <3
Comment if you have any advice or if you were even just courageous enough  to read all this!


<3