This post may be triggering to any person with an ED.
I do not have one myself, but I don't wish to trigger anyone that does.
This is just a heads up, so continue reading if you wish. :)
Since I got back from the Gaeltacht, I haven't really been happy with the way I look. To be honest, yes, I know I'm pretty. I may not be the most gorgeous girl around, but, as people say, I'm cute. The thing is, I don't like my stomach. I never really have. Well, except for when we did the talent show for school last year. Then, my stomach had been flat & I had last several pounds, due to a ton of dance practise.
Otherwise, I'm not entirely active. I play rugby, but it's seasonal sport, with training just once a week. I am a lazy person. There's no two ways about it & I'm not really too ashamed about it either. Well, except when I realised no one else in my house at the Gaeltacht weren't too bothered to wear bikinis or to just show off their stomachs or legs. I'm not a huge fan of either, though I would be more likely to wear a pair of shorts than a bikini.
So, I want to take action on all this negativity. Rugby is starting up soon again, so I've got to be somewhat fit for that too. I don't really plan to cut down on food, but just try to stop going for seconds after dinner, especially when it's a meal I love. I hope to substitute most sugary snakes for fruit instead, or just tell myself "No. Dinner will be ready soon enough." I've been doing that lately & I don't know, I haven't lost anything, weight-wise, but losing weight isn't exactly my main aim anyway, though it may help. My main aim is to flatten my stomach, so I don't see it jutting out in my way when I look down at my feet, so I can just see my toes & a little of my feet that come just before them.
So, I've decided, I will to exercise more. I've started a bit already, doing push-ups & sit-ups. IM had showed me a great way to do sit-ups when she was over in June & my sister found an old book on stretches and exercises that Dad used to use, so I'm putting all that new information to the test.
However, every single time I start something like this, I never finish it. It's not that I don't want to, but, I guess, I get easily distracted or I get too busy with the B&B or school. After that I just want to rest or something. I think I just have a motivation problem or something. It annoys the shite out of me & I mean to go on, but I just stop. I'm going to work hard this time, though, & try my best to get motivated.
I'm sort of afraid, though. I know it sounds so stupid, but I am. I've learned quite a bit about EDs the last few years, especially anorexia. I'm not an expert & I've never suffered from any ED, but I'm scared that if I do keep exercising & start to think that it's not enough. I'm afraid I'll start doing something unlike me & cut down my food intake, though I do eat pretty healthy overall. I'm scared that I'll start obsessing about my weight & looks, thinking I'm anything but slim. I know it sounds crazy & stupidly immature, but, to be honest, I do worry about it. I know an ED doesn't just start like that, but it could, possibly, couldn't it? I feel so stupid & embarrassed by my fear, but I need to just say it. Like, I know a ton of healthy, fit people without - or have basically overcome, in one case - an ED. However, it still bothers me sometimes... It's idiotic to a point, but I can't help feeling this way. I feel a bit better now that it's off my chest, though.
I think, after I brush my teeth, I'm going to do some sit-ups! Better to push on instead of a fear holding me back, right?
