Standing Out in the Cold

I've spent the day bloody freezing!

Mam, my sister & I went to a market in town & were selling jams, cakes & brownies - all homemade! The wind was terrible & the cold bit into us. My feet were sore, as they had turned into a pair of icicles. I ended up sticking hand warmers into my shoes in order to hear them up a bit - it didn't work overly well.
We didnt really sell much. I mean, we did better than a lot of stalls, but people were more interested in the horses (the market was part of a thing were they were selling ponies) & didn't even bother to give us a glance. Not exactly encouraging. Especially if you're freezing.
I did, however, get my Year Head (the teacher that looks after my year group at school) to buy 3 brownies. She's awesome!
Overall, apart from being freezing & ignored, I think I had a good time. The women at the stalls around were good humoured & really nice to chat to :) Like there was a group of elderly & middle-aged women next to us & they were such good craic! Because we were so cold my sister & I started jumping & sort of dancing to keep warm. I looked over & one of the women was dancing! She saw me smiling & started laughing. There was small moments like that throughout the day. It was really nice :)

So, I feel that it was worthwhile, apart from the cold :)

Easter Holidays, aka Two Weeks of Freedom!

Thank God! I'm just so tired & sick of school at this point. This is one well needed break. School is way too stressful & often with an unwelcoming atmosphere as of late - not fun!
So, for the next two weeks I plan to relax & to help mam about the place. Maybe DA & I'll meet up with A & her boyfriend for a double date thingy... That'll be good craic! I've also to do some job hunting for summer. Lots of it, I'm sure. So, I better start printing CVs!
I'm also going to be doing an art portfolio course the first week of April. It's to help kickstart organising myself to apply to colleges & ITs. It'll be nerve wracking & intimidating - there'll be students aiming for art college & who're just naturally gifted. Compared to be like that, I'm rubbish, but I've to do this for myself, so no backing down! Plus four full days of art? That HAS to be fun!

Now, I'm off to eat breakfast & organise myself for the day!

Job Offer! :D

FINALLY, after searching for a job since February, I've gotten a job offer for part-time in a local cafe.
I'm so freakin' happy! I had originally hoped for a summer job & had given up once school had started. However, I swear someone is looking out for me up there. The popular cafe in town had notices put up around the school for a "weekend job, suitable for students 16 & over". My friends & I ripped down all the notices, so no one else would even dare to ask for the job, if others already had. We weren't exactly playing fair, but it's too late now! Haha! XD
I had gone in last Wednesday, before rugby training, & handed in my CV, trying to not act all weird - sort of hard since "weird" comes au natural to me! I must have succeeded though as I just received an email from one of the owners. She wants to know would I be interested in working, starting around the mid-term break in October... WOO!!!!
The only problem I have now is whether I'll be here at home or not, then. My parents plan to go up to see my extended family, up where they're from. I sort of want to go too...
Scrap all that! Dad just came into my room. He said we won't be going up if I want to work... I feel sort of guilty that they're going to change the family plans just for me. We haven't seen any of my nannies, aunties, uncles or cousins in months! I'm happy at the same time too, though. Hopefully I won't work the bank holiday weekend & we can still visit my family.
We'll see how things work out, but, firstly, I'll have email the cafe to say I'd feckin' love to work for them!!!
Well, in a more mannerly way, of course! :P haha!
I just hope now that I can keep up with the pressure of school on top of the job... I'll find out, I guess!

Anyway, goodnight! <3

Pissed Off Rant At My Boyfriend!!!

I'm so pissed off right now at my boyfriend! It's like he has no motivation sometimes. I know he has difficulty with school as English isn't his first language, but he isn't that terrible at all. I mean, there's not much he doesn't understand.
He wanted to get extra help with English, which I thought was great, so he asked the career guidance teacher. She was the worst person to ask. She told him that the teachers were basically too busy to help him (he doesn't learn Irish, by the way, so he has spare classes where he could learn English). This excuse was crazy in my opinion, as he received extra help before, but the teacher forgot a couple of times & just stopped the lessons. I told my boyfriend to ask our year head for the extra classes. He forgot to & isn't bothered, it seems.he says that it'll be alright.
It so totally won't be - excuse my language - fucking alright if I've to explain simple words like "statement" where, in the context of the sentence, have very obvious meaning ("Do you agree with the above statement?").
Then, after that, explain how to answer the question. This is even more insanely annoying as our teacher had explained what to do in class. We had also been working on this topic since we started back at school!
This is just so stupid. He knows, or should, at least, know about it all after two weeks. It is far from rocket science & I swear he had a brain last time I checked. It's like he just doesn't listen in class. I'm the one that absolutely hates the class & teacher, but I still listen & try my best!
I want to do well & get the points I need from the end exam from this subject. He'll need points too, as he won't be able to do honours level (you get more points if you do this level) for a few subjects due to the fact that he hasn't the best of English. However, it's as if he doesn't try; he doesn't want to do well.
It pisses me off so much, because that's all I ever do - try! I want to do the best I can; I want my education to help me get somewhere in life. Then, he just doesn't care.
I spent a good bit of time explaining the one question we had in Geography to him today, while I could've been doing my own homework & study. I repeated the same basic thing over & over again, explaining what to do & then he would repeatedly ask the same question about something I had explained.
I wanted to scream at him - that's how pissed off I got. I know I've a short temper, at times, but he always pushes me over the edge with this sort of stuff. I swear to God, he is going to get extra English classes, even if I have to organise them myself. I don't care if he doesn't want the classes anymore, I won't be able to stand much more of this. He needs them & I'm not patient enough to go through everything with him, nor do I want to lose time on what could be spent on study, to help myself.
Yes, I know I sound selfish, but to be honest, I tell him he should do certain things to help himself at school & he rarely ever listens. He's incredible intelligent at maths, however he is in ordinary level maths. He could do honours level easily. I do it myself! I told him & he said no, because he would have to study more for the subject... You get 25 extra bonus points if you just simply pass honours maths! That means by getting a D3 in Honours level is more or the same as an A1 in ordinary. Like, what the hell? A bit of study is no harm! It'll be good in the long run.
Ugh! He has zero motivation! It pisses me off so bloody much!!!

Phew...!

Everything is just go, go, go lately, hasn't it?

Between school, homework & trying to help Mam, things are jut so hectic. It's hard to find a minutes peace within the short, jammed-busy days. But that's what the weekend is for, right? Though, I swear my teachers are aiming to fill my only free time with homework too. They shall not succeed!

   Next Friday evening I'm going to be babysitting my neighbours kids. He's, I'd say, seven now & she's two. Two of the most adorable children ever! They are seriously smart kids too. I love them! The seven year old & I always end up talking about superheroes for ages. I'm thinking of downloading some cartoon film of superman or something & bring my laptop over & we can watch it together or something. I think she, the two year old, would be put in bed before their parents leave.

   Anyway, I'm pretty happy my neighbour texted looking for me to babysit. Other than the fact that I actually like playing with her kids & minding them, it also means a bit of cash. I'm estimating €30 - €50. It'll be  going mainly towards our holiday to Colorado this Christmas, as I've gotten enough for my camera already. I'm waiting for the Black Friday sales first, though, before I purchase my Nikon baby!

   So, I've been busy, busy; working & saving money. Now, it's time to relax & just to do what Shauna wants for a few hours during the weekend. :) It'll prepare me for the coming week; help reduce any unneeded stress.

It'll be some downtime - exactly what I need!

Feeling Good!!! :D

I'd a grand ole day today, though I was loaded up with homework by the end of it. I honestly don't know what I'm going to do, once I start getting some actually hard maths questions & proper English homework. Then add Geography & study & you'll be sure that I'll never leave my room until the next morning for school once again!
However, my day was pretty good apart from the homework. Little bits of the day just made me smile. For instances, in maths, I was one of only three people to get a maths question right! I felt so cocky! Haha! XD Yesterday, I was the only one to have 4 particular questions done. I was pretty happy with myself then too as Ms. K was totally pissed with the rest of the class as she had "pre marked those questions" & assumed everyone would have done them for some unknown reason! I'd just had them done by chance! LOL! Anyway, it's made my last two days in that class. I've had little moments like that throughout today.
Tomorrow is Friday. I can't wait! I'll actually get time to turn my laptop on,, for a change. I've been using the blogspot app on my iPod the last few days. It's alright, it gets the basic job done, but I miss my italic & bold lettering, along with being able to change the alignment of the text... Plus I can't choose where the photos go in the post using the app either. They just automatically go to the end. So, basically, I miss using my laptop! :)

Anyway, I'm off to bed now! Talk to you soon.

Goodnight <3

Contemplating...

At this very moment, I'm laying in bed, contemplating whether I should actually go to school or not. I'm just so damn exhausted!
Even after going to bed earlier than normal, I've slept less than I have in weeks. At 1am, I woke up with the most horrible stomach cramp ever! Ugh! :/ I ended up having to get a hot water bottle & unable to sleep for at least an hour & a half afterwards.
This is a FML moment for sure! >.<

Finally!

Finally an evening that's basically my own! I could actually take my time on my homework & not rush, hoping to finish everything. Nope! Today, I took my time & still had time to read a bit, before having a nice long shower.
It felt so good just to take my time. I was able to be easily distracted by images of detailed paintings of fairies & not have to worry will I have enough time to do maths homework or the likes.
Hopefully I'll have more evenings like this. I'll get seriously stressed out otherwise, if I don't! I become such a bitch when I'm stressed out. I'm hardly ever nice without strain when I'm under pressure. I almost lost a friend last school year due to stress! That is -not- happening again this year, if I can get my way.
Well, I think I'm going to go to sleep early tonight. I know for a fact I'm going to have a ton of homework tomorrow, all due the following day... There is like zero leeway on my timetable for that sort of stuff! >.< It's a bit annoying! Anyway, I'm going to head to bed now. :)

Goodnight <3

Woo!

Hardly any homework! Woo! :D

Well, sorta! I managed to finish majority of it in a free class & a study class today. I've just to finish Geography, do some French, study a bit & then work on my art project! Not too bad all considering. I should have time later for a proper post. :)

Ugh! :/

I just want time to sit down & do what I want to do! I want to relax & just breathe...

I hate fucking Geography.
Actually, to be honest, I've found I rather like the subject, just despise the teacher! Who the hell gives 9 pages of a workbook to be done for the following day? Then not even correct them?! Ugh! :/ this is going to be a long hard year... I hate it already :/

The Events of Today!

Overall, school was alright today. I was happy to see my friends & talk to them & the likes, but, like I had thought I would, I'm going to have to do Geography... I hate the teacher we have. I had him for four years & was more talk rather than action. I'm seriously going to have to study to insure I can do the best I possibly can! I want to get at least a B2 (a B grade in US terms, I think), in Honours Level. So, there's to be no messing the next two years!
   Also, Art & Design Communication Graphics are scheduled to be on at the same time, so I had to pick one of the other. I decided on Art, as it's required to do, to get into the college course I want to do. However, DCG is also looked highly upon, as well, as the subject is basically based on the idea of Graphic Design & Visual Communications, so I'm pissed that I couldn't do that. I even asked the Career Guidance Councillor whether I could do it outside school, or at least another way & she said it was not recommended at all. Plus I would need to be supervised by a teacher when doing the project section of the exam, over a number of weeks & I wouldn't have that at home!
   When we arrived at school, it was found that all our lockers had been cleared out & rearranged. We were to pay €10 for a new locker! This was totally new. Originally we payed €5 the very first day in First Year, when we start secondary school & then have that locker for the next six years. We thought that was great. Cheap & easy! However, now, that won't be the case we'll have to pay €10 every year & be assigned new lockers. A heads up would have been nice! I mean, back in May, before we left for the summer. That way we would have had our lockers cleared out, instead of looking for our books today, throughout the school! Some of us were lucky, like myself, where all of our books where put in plastic bags with our names on them, or, piled up neatly. However, some weren't as lucky. I know some people have important books missing & others can't find any of their stuff at all! So much for thinking that your schoolbooks were safer left in your locker!
   One good thing today was that I did get three of the four subjects that I wanted, Art, Physics & French. Even better is that I just may have the best French teacher in the school! I really hope so. She's an excellent teacher. Plus, she's so bloody sound!

Also, today, I got a job offer from Supervalu, the local supermarket. Typical since summer is now over! I was really happy though, but then I found out that it would be 3/4 days a week, one day possibly being on the weekend, while the others would be after school, 5 - 9pm. This means I could have serious problems with trying to study & get homework done... Ugh! So, after talking with some of my friends & Mam & Dad, I'm going to call the manager back tomorrow & tell her the problem, but also mention that I'd be willing to work Friday evenings, weekends & school holidays. So, hopefully, that'll help me out somewhat & I'll see what she says.

Well, that's it for today!

Goodnight <3

School Tomorrow...

Honestly, I don't really want to go back. I'd prefer to stay here, at home helping Mam, just like I have for most of the summer. All I want to do at school tomorrow is to see my friends & then go home. I don't even want to see my timetable, because I already know I can't do one of the subject I wanted to do. I also know, because of that, I'll have to do some subject that I'll hate. I have a strong feeling it'll be Geography, possibly Chemistry.
   The only things I'm looking forward to this year are going to school with my younger brother & sister again & doing Art, which it looks like I'll still be able to do this year. Otherwise, it's going to be a shit load of work, study & stress. All preparation for next school year.
   I can guarantee you that my year head & principal will both be like "The Leaving Cert starts now. Not next year," during the assembly. Then go on to talk about studying & the likes. I more than likely hear that over & over again in almost all my classes, just to make sure we heard it the first 2 times!
   I also don't want to see any of those damn eejits, that I blissfully avoided basically all summer!
   Ugh...
   I just really don't want to go... But I've to suck it up, right? I've no choice, in all honesty. Not if I want to do Visual Communications or anything like that. If there was only a way... >_<

Well, I should seriously get to sleep now.

I'm going to be exhausted in the morning!

Blah...

Goodnight <3

Waiting Impatiently!!!

I am currently waiting, very impatiently, for my brother & sister to come back from their first day in secondary school. 

Why can't they let them out early on the first day? Don't they realise there are older siblings in need of knowing how things went?! Teachers & principals should know this sort of thing!

   Today, only first year, the youngest year group attends school. It's to help settle in all the new students & to show & explain to them their new timetable, among other things. So, the twins start today & I'll be going back to school on Thursday.

   This will be the first time, in four years, that we will all go to school together. It's going to be so strange! It's going to take some time getting used to.

They really should be home by now! >_>

I want to know what they think of everything! How the teachers were; what subjects they got; which teachers they have; which group they're in; who's in their group - EVERYTHING!!!!

I think I hear the bus!

Yay!

Just Talk

I talked to mam today about school & how I was worried about what subjects I'll get, since the two main ones I want, & sort of need, will be against each other on the timetable this year.
I mentioned how I was sort of afraid if people will say stuff to me again this year. Like, there's no reason in my mind to say anything rude/stupid/ignorant towards me, except people still do. Maybe it's the reaction I give back amuses them.
Or, in most cases, I think, they are completely idiotic in my year group.

Last year, apparently, because I had mentioned to the principal about how I would like to study Visual Communications in third level & that Art is a required subject for this course, while Design Communication Graphics (DCG) is highly recommended, I had changed the timetable for the coming year. A large number of my fellow students somehow come to this conclusion as the principal gave out another draft of the timetable - I repeat DRAFT!!! - that suited me better than the first one given out. I'm one student out of roughly 79. How am I suppose to change a whole timetable?! It actually suited a lot of my friends better too. However, because I had talked to the principal & people disagreed with the timetable, they threw temper tantrums & blamed me, even though the principal said it was still subject to change & the real timetable would possibly be a mix of the two drafts together. Sometimes I think I go to school with a bunch of imbeciles because of this.

Also, after all that, I got a letter last week giving out a more final timetable, very similar to the first, so they've no reason to blame me for anything now.

So, anyway, I told mam about everything I was worrying about from the subjects I might have to do, to the people that I don't want to meet again this term, among other things.
I felt a lot better after this.

Talking to someone about what's on your mind helps.

Don't let it build up inside.

Don't bottle it up until you overflow with worry, fear or anxiety.

It only causes unneeded stress & anger,

So, talk to someone.

A close friend, family member, teacher, councillor...?

Maybe even on an online support forum or there's something similar to that, but over landline I've heard!

But, the gist is, it helps to get it all off your chest.

So, don't let it build up.

Just talk.

Emotional Moment

A little while ago I  read something a friend wrote.

I was one of those questionaire posts that you see everywhere on facebook.

One question asked, simply, who was her best friend & she said it was me, as I've known it to be for the last good few years.

However, I don't know why, but I got all teary & sort of cried.

Like, it was on of those "I feel so touched" cries.

It was sort of strange, but I felt, at that moment, that there will always be someone there for me, someone who doesn't care judge me for what I do or how I look.

I think all the thoughts of going back to school have brought up bad feelings, again.

So, this little thing just brightened up my day a little.

I've Been Bullied. Have You?

School is starting again next week & to be honest I'm not entirely excited about going back.
A lot of people used to be so nice in my school, but I've found that, over the years, many have turned into horrible assholes & bullies.
I've always managed to be picked on from a young age. Sometimes I feel as if there's a florescent sign above my head flashing "Pick On Me!" Once I staarted secondary school, though, I did gain a bit of confidence, but in last year or two, I'd say, things have gotten worse again. I can't say anything some days without some idiot trying to make a smart comment. Often it's easy to laugh it off, but others, I just want to tell them to shut the fuck up!
There have been times I've been hit & kicked by another girl, so I had to learn to hit back. D got me interested in rugby. One day, this same girl wanted to know how to rugby tackle. D told me to show her, so I tackled her to the ground in the middle Biology Lab at lunch. One of the best moments of my life! She tends to be quite nice to me now.

However, not everything is as easy as rugby tackling the bully. You just have to learn to take the shit. Stand your ground. I've had to do this some many times over the years. I usen't to be able. I would start to cry & get upset. I still do, but now I can hold it in better & tell the asshole where to go; how untrue what they say is.

Sometimes, it's not always easy, but I have, as well as you do, the right to be me. To try to live my life as me. I shouldn't need to change myself completely to get someone to stop picking on me.

So, schools starting again next week & I can't wait to see all my friends & all the teachers I love.
I don't give a crap about what they say tome or what they think! I shouldn't & neither should you!

ANGER!!!

I don't want to clean rooms any more or serve people's breakfast. I want to stay up late and not give a shit. I want to sleep in as late as I want. I don't want to go around having to correct the girl that comes to help out in the B&B on the exact same things, almost everyday! I want to breath. I do'nt want fucking retards at school using me to take out their anger.

Just because the principal gave out another fucking EXAMPLE timetable after I talked to him, does not fucking mean it's my fault. I'm ONE goddamn student out of SEVENTY-FIVE!!!! Why the fuck would he change it for me you stupid retards! I didn't even ask him to change it. He even said that it wasn't the final thing.

That time ye decided it would be funny to spread it around that I was pregnant? Shout it out in class so the teachers could hear? Yeah, fucking hilarious. Go play with yourselves, you'll find that ye ain't so fun

Oh, & you know that sixth year that was drinking in school & stealing things from the classrooms, on his last day of school? Did he deserve to get in trouble? Hell yes! But was I the one that told on him, or did ye all just assume, as ye all do & spread it around the school that I did? Yeah, thought so.

I'm so fucking glad it's summer. Finally away from the likes of you bastards.

You can't call me names or push around. Judge me for what I look like, or dream to do. I can breath more, be myself more. I hope, some day, each and every one of you can feel what I've felt. You won't be so quick to go after me then, eh?

 

Maybe this is what happened to me? All this stupid retarded stress?!

Fuck all this!

Just let me breath again...

A Short Story :)

This is a short story I wrote for English class over a year ago now. It's one of my most favourite pieces I have ever written. That said, all ideas and basis for piece are mine. All Rights Reserved. Copyright© of Morrigan Dubh. Whatever it is, just don't use my ideas if you like them, please and thank you! Enjoy! :)

Forever Alone...

My wings brought me gently back to Earth, setting my bare feet onto a soft blanket of snow. Looking around, I found myself standing in the middle of a deserted street. Everything had been blanketed in a thick layer of snow - cars were only recognisable shapes.
   I began to walk down the street. As I took my first few steps, I inhaled deeply, my back arching inwards, causing my head to tilt back. I felt my fragile, black wings fold back into my skin. A shiver ran up my spine from the sensation.
   I could hear nothing but the whisper of the wind as it caressed my bare arms and upper back. The whole street - town, even - was deathly silent. It was as if everyone had fallen, magically, asleep.
   I smiled at my handiwork, before letting my grin drop. I sighed. I wish I had listened.
   Though it was many millennia ago, I could still clearly remember my mother telling me, in the odd clicks and whistles of my native tongue, to be careful what I prayed for. As a young child, I had always dreamed of becoming our great Goddess. Her name translated from the ancient language would mean something similar to "Giver of Life, Punisher of Death", for She could control the very essence of life; She could decide if you lived or died.
   I prayed each night to our Goddess asking Her to give me beautiful, velvet wings like her own. I begged her for great magic like her's.
   On my seventeenth birthday, my wish was granted: I woke with large, fairy-like wings, midnight black like my hair. Frightened, I ran to my mother. When she saw me, she too became frightened. Yet, being the loving mother she was, she tried to comfort me.
   Once her fingertips brushed my elbow, she turned to dust. I had killed my own mother just like that.
Terrified, I had ran from the hut I had once lived in, before I could harm any others.
   From then on, I have wandered the Earth, becoming the Goddess as the original as She passed her powers on to me before fading away from existence. I can control people's lives at will; create new species of animal; be no longer affected by temperature or weather. I cannot die.
   As if to prove this to myself, I looked down at my bare feet and clothes - a black, sleeveless, corset styled top and black skinny jeans.
   Then it began to snow. Heavily. If my eyesight wasn't sharper than a human's, I would've been blinded by the white sheets of snow falling before me.
   Then, suddenly, a terrible scream pierced the silence of the sleeping street. I opened my mouth to taste the emotions the sound carried - terror, grief, sadness, loss.
   It was the cry of death, the reason I had come here. I followed the trail of feelings to a two storey, semi-detached house. The door opened for me as I entered the hall, bringing a whirlwind of snow with me, before the door shut itself again.
   I listened for another loud cry, but all I could give ear to was the rumble of the now strong wind beating against the house. Then I heard it - a whimper.
   At inhuman speed, I found the source of the sound in an upstairs bedroom. It was a little girl. Her long, blond hair covered most of her face, as it was tilted. There was the stain of tear drops below her on the sheets of the bed she leaned against.
   Upon the bed was a woman. Her skin was pale, her lips were blue.
   The little girl looked up at me. She didn't seem startled to see me suddenly appear in the room. Her bottom lip quivered as she said, "Help my mommy. She's really cold and won't wake up." My heart ached as I remembered the loss of my own mother.
   I came to stand at the edge of the bed and knelt down, so I was directly above the mother's face. Ever so gently, I pressed my lips to her forehead, passing great heat into her body. Her cheeks turned rosy pink and her lips became a juicy apple red.
   As I moved away, towards the window at the other side of the bedroom, I heard a gasp for air and the words, "What happened?"
   "Oh, Mommy!" I didn't need to look to know the little girl was now clutching her mother, hugging her with all her might.
   I exhaled a long and hard breath, as my back arched again. This time, I hunched inward, as my large wings folded out of my skin.
   I was about to open the large section in the window, when I heard a quiet, small voice, "Thank you fairy girl."
   I looked over my shoulder at the little girl who was now sitting on the knee of her mother. I gave them a fleeting smile and a slight nod, before flinging the window open and jumping out.
   My super sensitive hearing picked up the scramble of feet as I soared higher into the cloud covered sky.
A single word travelled the wind: "Angel."
   I spiralled into the centre of the snow storm, hands outstretched as if i was trying to grip the clouds. I wished, at that moment, I was an angel like the mother thought.
   Anything would be better than the cursed beast I had become. Forever to roam the Earth.
   Forever alone.
   I closed my stormy, grey eyes. When I opened them again, the snow storm had vanished. There wasn't a cloud in sight.
   Time to go, I thought, and I let my midnight wings carry me to the home of my next survivor - or victim.



Holding the Fort!

My brother & sister missed the bus! Ugh! Dads in Dublin working, so mam had to leave and bring them to school. I'm now standing in the kitchen, paying no one will come down for breakfast... Mams the chief, not me >.< Fuck! I think I hear someone!!! D: