When I got home after town, I helped mam out a bit, but also found that the guy, we'll say, Mark, had messaged me back. Mark didn't want to talk to me. I was fine with that. I sort of didn't mind if he wanted to or not, but at the same time, in a really small way I did...? If that makes sense. It's mostly my fault that we aren't friends any more anyway - which he realised as well. I'm sort of happy he did. Now he doesn't have to unneedingly blame himself. But, I'm the brick wall. I shouldn't care whether he wants to talk or not. Just as long as he knows who to blame.
Then he said he read my blog. The worst thing he could've said. Like, that's basically the same reason my blog was set up - I read my best friend's blog.
And you'd think I'd have learned a lesson from that experience & from yesterday, but I just need to let it all out!
My brick wall isn't so strong any more. I can feel it crumbling even now. A lump in my throat is even forming & my eyes are watery. Maybe I ain't so heartless any more, but I don't want to cry. I want the brick wall back. The numbness was safer. It let's my not care for once. I feel like a bitch, but I don't eat away at myself either...
It's hard to explain. I don't even know why I'm bothering to.
I do know, however, that I deserve to crumble. Maybe I'll understand what the hell is wrong with me better. Why I fuck up? Why am I a bitch? Why I suddenly don't give a shit the last few months?!
I can't wait to get away from it all on Saturday, but yet, now, I don't... Ugh... I just want to SCREAM!!!!!!!!!
How did he get your blog address?
ReplyDeleteThink it was when I was asking who else had a blog in my group, but he never mentioned it. I never thought anything of it... I'm so fucking stupid
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