Some Friends They Are...

I've been pissed off since yesterday evening with two of my closest friends, R & J.
Why? Well, because I've been looking for a summer job since February & I just can't seem to get one. J asked her mam if there was any job going for the last few weeks of the holiday, in the hotel she works for. I was told there would be a job Sunday nights, from 6pm to maybe 10-11pm. This would be once the college students go back studying, once I was back to school.

I was unsure, so I mentioned it to Dad & Mam. Dad didn't want me working on Sundays at all at first, but, then, settled for working until 7pm on a Sunday night.
His logic was that, because I'd most possibly be on wash-up and/or waiting in the restaurant, I'd be way too tired the following Monday morning for school, if I was working until 11pm the night before.

To be honest, I agree with him. By the time I would get home & actually get to bed it would be 12am or after & then I'd have to get up at 6.45am as I get the bus to school. I figure I  would be able to do that for a few months, but, eventually it'd be too much with tests and study.

So, I said this to J what Dad said, but not that I agreed with him. It was on Facebook mail where you can have numerous recipients, so R could see too. I asked about Saturdays, if there was any jobs then, as I could work late Saturday nights, as Dad said it was alright & I sure didn't mind myself,or even during the day on Sundays. J said no. However, J & R couldn't seem to get why I wouldn't just take Sunday nights on wash-up or whatever. I had already explained about Dad & his valid reasons, but I mentioned it again.

At first the two girls were joking saying I should ask Dad to pay me the money I'm missing out on at the hotel, since I can't take the job. I didn't really mind that too much at all. However, then it escalated to, "You want the job? Then take it! Your dad won't be the one working." I had made it clear at this point that what Dad says goes in our house, unless you were looking for huge trouble. I was not & I had mentioned at this point to to J & R that I thought he was right in what he was saying, even though I did want to work.

Then, apparently, I had an attitude & that I wouldn't get any job with it. Like, what?! I don't have a problem with doing the job or working late any day, but it just happens I have school the following morning, so Dad said I wouldn't be allowed to work. That's not me having an attitude, that's my Dad being right. I obviously didn't say all that, though. I asked why.

I was told I was being fussy. That no one would want to hire anyone that was going to be fussy about their hours of work. Uh, what? First off, I'm 16, almost 17. If this was in the middle of the summer holidays, my dad wouldn't care what day or time I worked to, but this would be during school & would possibly affect me at school. So he said no. I got his point & didn't want want to get in trouble with him anyway, so I asked if there was other hours going. I wasn't being fussy! These girls should know about me & what my dad says at home. We've been close friends for four years now. Plus, I've even said before I'd try any job - even wash-up, but if Dad says no, Dad says no. Part time job or education? Even without Dad saying anything, I know what I'd choose.

J, herself, is stopping work, on Saturdays at the end of September, so she can study more & have time to relax. We are in the same year at school, with two years left. We both want high point courses, so why doesn't she get it of all people? She said before, the stress of school & working on the weekends doesn't go well together. Yet, she couldn't seem to get what my Dad was saying and called me fussy & said I had an attitude. I don't get her!

These two girls are meant two be two of my closest friends, but they've made me so mad & upset. I know now that I won't get any job until next summer, but they pointed out that working younger looks good on my CV. I know that & I've the B&B to stand for me. I've been helping in the B&B since I can remember. I began serving breakfast to guests when I was twelve & I'd been cleaning bedrooms with my mam for years before that. That's better than two years in the Paper Shop & a restaurant. It wasn't as if I wasn't looking to work anyway. I'm sure that majority of businesses in town have had my CV from earlier on in the year. Things just weren't busy though, so not many people were picked up.

So, yeah, I'm pissed off with the two girls. At the end, I told them I understood that they were trying to help and all, but Dad said I can't work late on Sundays during the school term. I told them I appreciated their help though & left a smiley face & a heart, trying to ease things up, but I received no reply. They obviously had seen the message (Facebook indicates whether & which person has read a mail or not). J mailed later asking if the 25th was good for a night out we were planning, earlier today, but when I replied, her messages weren't exactly overly friendly. R was reading the messages, but wasn't replying.

This really annoys the shit out of me! They aren't acting like my best friends at all right now, not even normal friends. It didn't even seem as if they were helping me. I'm starting ti think I should just consider D & IM as my close friends any more. I never get into anything like this with them, yet with R & J something happens from time to time I've found. Immature silliness.

I just needed to get all this out of my system... I feel slightly better now... Slightly.

I Feel Like Shit... I Want To Curl Up & Die

I  shouldn't have read it but I did. She posted again. I'm a bitch. I get jealous easily and it showed today when she met her other friends. But I tried to cover it up. I feel like total and utter shit. She said I was abitch to her and made snide comments, but I didn't... I don't even remember talking about her food... We were in a restaurant, I possibly did! We had a joke about "avacodo fish" as she loves sushi... I mentioned salad once because she ate mine, but not in a mean way!!!!

WHY CAN'T SHE FREAKIN' TELL ME?!

I'm crying again. I fucking hate my life. I have no one. My own best friend was happy to get away from me. I want to die. I've never felt so low and horrible. I don't know what I'll say to her tomorrow if I even will say anything... I can't say anything without sounding like a bitch, though I haven't even been trying to all weekend... I was trying to be how we used to be - jokey and shit... I don't know... I want to get hit by a car... This isn't right...

Welcome, I guess...

This is my amazing first blog...! Spectacular, eh? I don't know what exactly what to write... Possibly an explanation as to why I'm actually going to try and blog, maybe? Here it goes...


Well, my best friend blogs daily. She possibly posts two or three blogs a day. It helps her get on in life, helps her survive the day and inspire others. I say inspire others as she is recovering for anorexia. She tells them how her days go; how she manages; how she gains strength.
She now lives in a separate country to me as the faculties here weren't helping her as she was having treatment. So this weekend was the second time I  met her face-to-face in two years. I was obviously over joyed and I had so much to tell her ( there's only so  much you can say over Skype), but I must have said something wrong - I upset her. However, she never told me - she blogged about it. She vented. I found out only by whim.
I walked home after her dad picked her up today... I was upset, crying. I was meant to have another day with her, but her dad came to pick her up - he needed to spend time with her too, before she left on Wednesday. I felt selfish, but I needed her. She's the only person I can ever tell everything to. The only person I can trust 100%. I don't feel that with any of my other friends. I just can't be me.
So, I grabbed my laptop as soon as I could & searched for her blog. I had never read it before, however, she had mentioned it throughout the years. I don't know why I hadn't. She had told me I could, but I just hadn't. She knew I hadn't. But, right at that moment, I wanted to be closer to her. I couldn't - can't - stand the thought of possibly not seeing her until next year, so I searched for the closest thing I could get to - her blog! She had showed me a Vlog (video-blog) yesterday or Friday, so I planned to watch it once more.
However, I got closer to her than I thought I would. The first blog had been from this morning about how she felt emotionless and like a bitch when she told me she was leaving today & I had started crying, but she didn't. I totally disagreed with this blog. I'm a blubbering baby - she needn't to feel that bad. She has never been a bitch to me. I was going to comment on the blog, but didn't. I don't know why. I just kept reading. I now wish I hadn't.
I've been proud of her progress & how well she's recovered  - she's near her goal weight, though struggling with the last few kilograms. However, the way I went about showing I was proud, obviously didn't show. I don't recall mentioning food & how she ate very often, but it obviously struck a cord with her. She said it hurt in one of her blogs. She felt that I must have been jealous of her figure or weight or something and I was trying to hurt her... I cried when I read it & I'm crying now just thinking about it. I never ever went out of my way to hurt her... If she just told me, I wouldn't have mentioned food at all! I wouldn't have said how pretty her figure is! We are completely different body shapes - She's tall and slim with slight build, while I'm short-ish with slightly broad shoulders, but I'm not fat nor super skinny. I'm slim too. I'm happy with the way I am & I've said it to her before - all I need to do is tighten up my muscles, not lose weight...  So, how could she see I that I was jealous? I can't understand! Or why she wouldn't just tell me... I understand she will be obviously insecure about certain things, but I need to be told what and when, not just her blog readers.


It really hurts and I can't really stop crying since. I can't stand the way I've hurt her, the fact that my best friend couldn't even tell me how she felt, hurts even more. So I plan to tell her how I feel tomorrow, or at least sometime soon. I need to control myself first, so, ironically, I turn to blogging to help me cope. It helps her, so it can help me. That is why I have started this blog. It does help - I'm not really crying as much - but it doesn't solve the problem. There has to be proper communication for this to be sorted. So I will try to Skype her or at least message her first. I don't know if I'll even tell her about my own blog either... I'll think about it, along with everything else.


If you've actually read all this - well done! I'm virtually patting you on the back! Most people would give up halfway... Thanks for not doing so... <3
Comment if you have any advice or if you were even just courageous enough  to read all this!


<3